• Define self-esteem and its relationship to how a person makes choices and decisions.
• Describe the process of developing self-esteem.
• Demonstrate the role of praise and encouragement.
• Explain how a PSS's self-image influences her ability to build self-esteem in her clients.
• Provide tips to parents for building self-esteem in their children.
• Demonstrate positive and negative ways of dealing with anger (and/or other intense feelings).

5-1/4 hours

A. Introduction/Self-Esteem
B. Helping Parents Build Their Children's Self-Esteem
C. Coping with Feelings
D. Handling Anger and Mishandling Anger
E. Responding to the Feelings of Others
F. Self-Acceptance
G. Summary and Review

• Resource Mothers. (1993). Handbook. Sterling, VA: INMED.
• Worksheet: What I Can Do to Build Self-Esteem (Handout #1)
• Giving Positive Messages (Handout #2)
• A Self-Assessment Tool: Strengths and Skills (Handout #3)
• Suggestions that Help to Encourage (Handout #4)
• Ways People Handle Anger (Handout #5)
• Self-Esteem Situations (Training Aid #1)
• Active Listening: Role Play (Training Aid #2)
• How I Feel About Myself: Issues to Consider (Training Aid #3)
• Role Play Feedback (Overhead #1)
• Post Unit Test
• Post Unit Evaluation
• Newsprint, markers, and tape or blackboard and chalk
• Video Equipment: video camera, tripod, tape, VCR, and television

• Read the Resource Mothers Handbook, Chapter 4, "Improving Self-Esteem."
• Assign this chapter as background reading to participants.
• A possible resource for PSS' to share with clients is the Channing L. Bete Co., Inc. booklets on self-esteem and peer pressure. These booklets use easy-to-read text augmented by many line drawings. Should you wish to give these to participants during training, they can be ordered by calling: 800-628-7733.
• Make sufficient copies of all handouts.
• Write out any information on newsprint that you will want to use during the unit, such as the list of points covered in Training Aid #3 for use in the section on self-acceptance. Having information on newsprint makes it easier for trainees to recall what they are being asked to do.
• Should you wish more information on self-esteem, for a list of books and materials, call or write to B.L. Winch and Associates/Jalmar Press, 45 Hitching Post Drive, Building 2, Rolling Hills Estates, California, 90274-5169. Tel: 800-662-9662.
• Try out video equipment. Set up camera to videotape role plays.

• Self-esteem is a word used to describe how people feel about themselves. How people feel about themselves influences their actions towards others and what they accomplish in life.

• If a teen or an adult does not believe in herself, it's hard for others to believe in that person. If a person thinks "I'm nobody," or "I don't matter," then it's predictable that he or she won't try to succeed at anything -- not at school, not at work, not as a parent. And by not trying, he or she won't succeed, and his or her feelings of failure and rejection will become even stronger. It becomes difficult to break this cycle of failure.
• Feelings of self-esteem are not constant. They can change from day to day or from month to month. Positive experiences and fulfilling personal relationships help improve self-esteem. Negative experiences and troubled relationships can lower self-esteem.
• Everyone prefers to hear positive things said about them rather than negative things. Praise, encouragement, and reassurance are necessary ingredients in building self-esteem. But sometimes we are embarrassed. Why is this? Try to elicit cultural/social norms that make it difficult for us to take pride in ourselves. Discuss why it might be difficult for people in some cultures to accept praise, or to take pride in themselves.

2. Distribute Handout #1, What I Can Do to Build Self-Esteem. Ask trainees to concentrate only on the left hand side of this worksheet. Myself. Ask everyone to write down all the things that they can do to build up their self-esteem. Facilitate this exercise by asking each to think about all the things that make them feel good about themselves including people or situations. Also ask trainees to reflect on things that made them feel bad. What have they done or can they do to overcome these negative things.

3. After about ten minutes, ask for volunteers to identify one easy thing that they can do to build their own self-esteem. After everyone has shared suggestions, ask for volunteers to share what kinds of things from their lists would be difficult to do in order to build their self-esteem. Why? Write all the ideas on newsprint.

4. Next, ask participants to think about what they can do to help clients improve their self-esteem. Ask them to write their ideas on the right hand side of the worksheet. Ask the group to share in a similar manner as described above.

5. Distribute Handout #2, Giving Positive Messages. Explain what it is and either read each item with trainees or allow the group a few minutes to look it over. Advise them that some of these examples might be useful as they do the next exercise.

6. Ask the group to break into pairs. Each is to take a turn being the PSS and talking to a client in a manner that reflects some of the ideas mentioned in Step 4. Ask trainees to try to use language that is encouraging. For example, if someone pointed out that a PSS will want to reinforce positive actions and behaviors, the dialogue might go like this:

• "What a wonderful way you did __________. That's terrific."

• "You must be disappointed. You had a lot of courage to take the GED. Taking the exam was a risk and people who never take risks, never get anywhere. When will you try again? What is important is that you tried and you can try again. How do you feel about this? What can you do to help make yourself feel better?"
• Kate doesn't respond to attempts to turn a negative into a positive experience. She says she will never try again because she is stupid. What do you as PSS do? How do you feel?

Someone may have mentioned that by encouraging women to develop a particular skill area you can help her build self-esteem. For example, if a PSS admires Claudia's kitchen curtains and Claudia tells her she made them herself, what does the PSS say next? What effect might the conversation have on Claudia? Remind trainees that one of their roles as PSS is to help clients concentrate on some things they do well and about which they feel good. You may want to come back to this later on in the unit when discussing feelings.

7. Distribute Handout #3, A Self-Assessment Tool: Strengths and Skills. Explain that this handout may be used by PSS's when they are working with clients. It can be a tool to help clients to focus on their own strengths and skill areas. You may want to ask trainees to complete this form--just for themselves--as a way of becoming conscious of their own strengths and skills. In a similar way, PSS's can work with clients to complete the form to focus on the client's strengths.

8. Ask participants if anyone has ever tried to help build another's self-esteem. How does it feel when you feel like you aren't making any progress. How will you as a PSS respond? It is important that PSS's focus on the client. They should try to find ways to let the mother emphasize that she will still be important after the baby is born. Some home visitors have found that taking the time to help with practical details -- like accompanying the mother-to-be to the grocery store and helping her make healthy food choices -- helps the woman feel cared for and important.

9. Before moving to the next section, be sure to point out that encouraging clients to confront and solve problems, and making decisions that are right for them, is another way to help them build up their self-esteem. Trainees practiced how they would go about developing problem-solving techniques in the last unit. Those techniques can be used here, too.

• My special qualities
• My home
• My childhood

• Self-confident
• Upbeat
• Self-satisfied
• Creative
• Self-conscious

Next ask participants how they felt when they had to talk about their special qualities and persons and places that are special to them. Discuss how one's role in a family or community might affect one's perception of self. For example, many of the trainees wear many hats--they are mothers, daughters, wives or girlfriends, aunts, neighbors, PSS trainees. How do they view themselves in each role? Does their feeling of "power" or self-assurance differ depending on which "hat" they are wearing? Why? Further, does being a member of a majority or minority cultural group affect their sense of self-esteem? Does it matter who defines the majority or minority culture? Does it matter if they are in their own neighborhood versus in a less familiar environment? Reflect on how these factors might affect the client's self-esteem. Is it more difficult to acknowledge one's strengths under certain circumstances than others? How does being in an unfamiliar situation--like pregnancy affect self-esteem?

The best way to build self-esteem is to focus on strengths. Remind the group that self-encouragement leads naturally to the encouragement of others. As parents identify and acknowledge their own strengths and resources, they will be able to recognize those of their children. This, in turn, will give the children the encouragement and positive recognition they need to feel good about themselves. Children will feel that they have value, and they can cope more creatively with life.

Children learn positive feelings like being capable, lovable, and important from their parents. Ask everyone to think back to when they made their "positive speeches" and imagine that they were saying all this to their children. The "special person in the family" was the child to whom they were speaking. How do they think their "children" will react? Why? Will it help their child's self-esteem? Why? If everyone is free to choose a positive attitude, why don't more people choose to do so? Give everyone an opportunity to voice their opinions.

2. When children experience success they begin to trust their own capabilities. Use the following idea to illustrate the importance of success. Ask participants to remember when their child or grandchild or a child they know was first learning to walk. Have them describe what they did to encourage that child. After everyone has had a chance to speak, point out the following:

• Perhaps there is no other time when children receive as much praise, encouragement, love, and rewards.
• Children will fall during this period, and that could lead to a sense of failure, but through our actions and encouragement, we can balance this frustration.
• This same level of encouragement and praise for success should be ongoing throughout a child's life. Is it? Why or why not?

3. Encouragement Exercise. Distribute Handout #4, Suggestions that Help to Encourage. Break into groups of two or three. Ask trainees to discuss specific activities they might suggest their clients do with their children to carry out encouraging actions. Ask one person in each group to take notes.

Before they begin, emphasize the following: When dealing with children, it is best to be specific when making encouraging statements. While it's okay to say things like "You're a good girl" it's better to be less general. Instead, encourage parents to say something more specific like "How fun! What a nice tower!"

At the end of 10 minutes, ask the recorder in each group to share that group's suggestions with the other trainees. [Note: If participants seem enthusiastic about these suggestions, you might arrange to have the suggestions typed up and distributed to all trainees. Suggest they keep them -- as well as Handout #4 -- for use with families when they are making visits to homes with young children.]

4. Group discussion. Suggest to trainees that they think back to when they were children. What do they recall liking about the way they were treated? For those who are also parents, are there some things they tried to do differently as they raised their own children? Why?

Ask participants to share tips to give to parents about ways to build their children's self-esteem. Ask for a volunteer to note responses on newsprint. If trainees come up with some suggestions that are not in their Handbook, suggest they write them in now.

• bored, angry, shy, calm, loving, frustrated, incompetent, happy, lonely, tired, worried, sad, sexy, comfortable, overwhelmed, embarrassed, confident, brave, annoyed, etc.

• Increased heartbeat; flushed; butterflies in my stomach; I had diarrhea; rush of energy, etc.

"I just visited a friend who's sick with AIDS. Although he was in fine spirits, he looked so thin and had sores on his body. The visit depressed me, and I got choked up, but tried to cover up my feelings by making jokes about mutual friends. When I left his house, I cried. I couldn't eat; I'd lost my appetite."

When you process this exercise on the close relationship between the mind and the body, mention that people experience a complexity of feelings at the same time, and therefore there may be a complex response in the body. A person's body and tone of voice reveals what he or she feels.

Refer trainees back to the sections on nonverbal communication in Unit 2. What are some of the ways people express their true feelings? Possible responses include:

• their gestures, facial expressions (like smiling or frowning), posture (slumping or standing tall)
• looking attentive or preoccupied
• slamming a door or closing it gently
• shouting advice or reasoning in a calm voice

• It's normal to experience a mix of emotions (happy and frightening feelings) at the same time. Ask trainees to give examples (such as how they felt on the day they gave birth, or began this training, etc.)
• As we grow and have new experiences (a first apartment, a new job, a new baby), we have feelings of failure as well as success. The failures may shake our sense of self-esteem.

Ascertain participants' ideas as to how one learns to cope with feelings? How did they? What are some cultural differences in the way people respond to feelings? Do we all cope the same way? Why or why not?

It is the response to feelings -- or how a person copes -- that is important. While people can't control their feelings, they can control how they respond to them. How? By choosing among a number of behaviors. For example, a person can feel angry enough to hit someone, but can choose or decide not to, and can instead walk away, or sit down and write about these feelings, or go to the gym and punch a punching bag. Similarly, a person can feel so happy that she wants to jump for joy, but it may not be appropriate to do that in the middle of a training session, so she decides to sit quietly and smile or just think pleasant thoughts. Ask participants to give other examples of choices in behavior.

• I'm frightened by an approaching stranger. My choices: walk faster; stay put; run away; scream for help, etc.

When making home visits, there will be times when a PSS will want to help clients understand that they are responsible for the action they take on their feelings, and not for the feelings themselves. If we all recognize this fact, we can all avoid much guilt. For example, there are days when parents both love and resent their babies at the same time. These feelings are not unusual. It's how they act on this mixture of feelings (their behavior) that counts.

4. Exercise. Look at Training Aid #1, Self-Esteem Situations. This exercise includes three brief scenarios describing three individuals who each reacted to a positive situation in a negative manner. Their reaction reflects their level of self-esteem. Read each scenario -- or develop some of your own -- and process this exercise with the discussion questions on the Training Aid. This exercise may be done as a large group or in smaller groups. Just be sure to have all trainees discuss together all the other choices or different responses each character could have made.

1. Mini-lecture. Most people learn how to cope with feelings, such as sadness, anger, fear, and loss, but it takes time to develop these skills. Dealing with these feelings can be complicated. One example is the feeling of anger.

2. Ask each trainee to think of a personal situation when someone made her very angry. But for some reason, she couldn't bring herself to confront the person. What else could she do to ventilate her feelings? Gather as many alternatives as possible; have someone put these on newsprint, as they may be helpful later on when PSS are helping their clients to cope. Possible responses might include:

• talking to a trusted friend or relative (or to her PSS!)
• writing about her feelings in a diary
• writing a letter to the person, and then putting it away or tearing it up
• crying (which can be beneficial to both men and women)
• speaking directly to the person who has caused the anger
• picking a good time to talk, when there's no one else around and when neither of you is tired or otherwise pre-occupied
• trying to describe the way the other person has made you feel -- i.e. When you _____, I feel _____ .
• avoiding name calling
• avoiding jumping to conclusions or accusing the person of something he or she may not have done

3. Before moving on to the next exercise, ask for trainee's perspective on a few more questions related to expressing feelings and emotions: How did they learn to deal with anger? Why do they think it's sometimes very difficult to deal with anger? Were any of them ever told, as children, that they were "bad" when they were angry? How do different cultural groups handle anger? What kinds of coping mechanisms can PSS's expect from their clients?

4. Exercise: Distribute copies of Handout #5, Ways People Handle Anger, and give trainees a few minutes to read the three situations that are explaining various responses to anger. Discuss one situation at a time, and give everyone an opportunity to participate. The following are major points that should be covered:

Situation A

In this family people deny their anger. Anyone who says "I never get angry" is either completely out of touch or is lying to herself as well as to the person to whom she's talking. People can defend themselves against anger by a constant show of sweetness -- or toughness. But unexpressed, troublesome feelings can affect the body. Some say anger turned inward can lead to depression. It is better to recognize angry feelings and to deal with what's causing them.

Situation B

Taking anger out on oneself by using alcohol or other drugs to try to forget is not appropriate behavior. Mistreating oneself is a misdirection of feelings; and the anger returns as soon as the effects of the drugs and alcohol have worn off. In addition, it's double jeopardy: by adding a depressant (alcohol and some drugs) to anger, the mix is almost guaranteed to be more troubling than the original problem or situation that caused the anger.

Situation C

Letting things build up, and not dealing with whatever caused the anger, can turn anger to rage. Taking anger out on others is not constructive and can be dangerous. Nor is it constructive to blame others for how one feels. A person must learn to accept responsibility for her or his own feelings, and understand the consequences of her actions.

5. Process this exercise by asking trainees to reflect on similar situations that they may encounter with their clients. What will they say to their clients? The next exercise will help trainees deal with clients anger or other feelings.

1. Picking up on people's feelings and paraphrasing them are the first steps in reflective listening. These are skills trainees practiced in Unit 2.

The PSS is not the "rescuer." Her job is not to "fix" the bad feeling -- only to help the client express it and come up with constructive ways to deal with it. A PSS cannot solve problems for her clients, but she can be a good listener. Many people are reluctant to bring their feelings out into the open by talking about them. Thus it is important to listen in ways that help the person with the problem deal with it more effectively. Active listening "invites" the speaker to think about what she is feeling, to say more, and to be less afraid of "bad" feelings.

2. Active Listening Role Play. Ask for four volunteers -- 2 listeners and 2 speakers -- to role play two conversations. Use the speakers first lines in Training Aid #2, Active Listening: Role Play, or make up original statements of your own that show strong feelings.

3. Share the instructions on the Training Aid with the participants. If a video or tape recorder is available, you might record the two conversations, and then play them back to the group.

4. To process the role plays, elicit the group's reaction to the following questions:

In each scenario, did the two people seem to understand one another? How can you tell?

• What important feelings did the speaker reveal?
• What techniques did the listener use to keep the conversation going?
• Did the speaker seem to feel understood?

1. Mini-lecture and discussion. Begin by asking the group what the words "self-acceptance" or "accepting yourself" mean. Come up with a definition that resembles the following:

• Self-acceptance means tolerating your mistakes and knowing that your less desirable traits are not so terrible. Self-acceptance is a process by which we learn to like ourselves, to dwell on those things we do well, but also to take constructive steps to change those feelings that can be obstacles to self-acceptance.

Point out that accepting ones feelings leads to self-acceptance. But it is not always easy to do this. We need to work at changing certain feelings we have that we wished we didn't have -- e.g., feeling too shy to approach someone at a community or church gathering or feeling all alone. This change process can be learned, and it takes time.

2. Activity. Ask everyone to take out a piece of note paper. Ask them to express either in writing or with pictures "How I Feel About Myself." This is a private exercise, and no one else will see it unless they choose to share it. They should think about their unique qualities, their achievements, their strong points, and also their weak points. Training Aid #3 contains a list of some points they might like to cover in their expression of themselves.

a. After about 15-20 minutes, ask trainees to reflect on what they have produced and to pick out two "feeling issues" that could be worked on -- such as feeling better about their relationship with their mother, or feeling more self-confident. Then, for each feeling, ask trainees to set a goal for improving feelings on a particular issue by considering concrete steps they can take toward that goal.

b. Have them set up three columns at the bottom of their papers, with these headings: "Feelings"; "Goal"; "Steps Toward Goal." Consult Training Aid #3 for an example of how to do this; write these headings on the chalkboard or newsprint. Give trainees about 5 minutes to complete their charts.

c. Don't discuss what they wrote or drew, unless they themselves suggest sharing. Instead, suggest they keep these reflections and goals someplace where it will be safe, and take them out every once in a while to check their progress.

d. Ask someone to review this exercise by sharing why she thinks you had trainees do it. How did they feel when confronting their feelings? When identifying some feelings on which to improve? Might their clients also benefit from going through this process? Why or why not?

Understanding our own feelings brings us a little closer to self-acceptance. This, in turn, helps build self-esteem.

1. Refer back to the objectives on the first page of this module and rephrase them so they are questions. Ask for a volunteer to answer each question. Encourage everyone to participate.
2. Distribute post-unit evaluation forms.
3. Distribute Post-Unit Test.